I always keep thinking what it'll be like to have a boyfriend again one day. As some of you might know, I had one but it didnt work out. Being a girl, I've always wanted 'the perfect guy' who would be there whenever I need him to, during my good times and bad. I was driving home one day when this thought crossed my mind. I thought, 'I wished I had someone I could express my happiness to, my sadness to. Someone I can be myself with around them and everything'.
But they say, reality bites. And it does. Because the fact is, i'm still alone. At times, I convince myself that I can live independently, that I can go through life alone because I have practically planned my life out. I know what I want to do and what I want to achieve in life. I dream of places that I want to go and the things that i'll do there like volunteer and help out with charity and such things like that. I've got it all planned. And the whole plan, I imagined going through it alone and i'm okay with it.
Then sometimes i'll wonder what it'll be like to have someone beside me where I can share all those moments with. And it sucks. It sucks because it gets into my head and I'll be thinking about it all the time. But because i've gotten so used to being rejected by people, i've convinced myself that i'm okay alone and I can go through life alone. But who am I kidding right? We all need someone at the end of the day.
People keep saying i'm nice, i'm patient, i'm pretty, a guy would be lucky to have me, i'm this and that. But if i'm really everything that they said, then why am I still alone? Why am sitting here writing this sad post? So yeahhh.. Because of all this, i'm quite sure that i'm better off alone. Again, who am I kidding?
Just today, I was talking with my housemates about this topic. On love, relationship, marriage and such. Even they said that no matter what, we all need someone at the end of the day. I told them I should start writing poems again because I missed writing them and its the other place besides my blog and Twitter where I can express myself and my imagination. Then, I showed her the poems I wrote before and after reading she said this to me, "Christina, you're so talented. I felt like I was reading a real poet's poem. And after writing all this, you said you can live alone? You're just lying to yourself."
Just like that, those words struck my heart like a sharp knife piercing through it and I choked up. Am I lying to myself? Am I? I dont know either. I'm confused. I know i'm not supposed to think about all this now but sometimes we cant help but to think about it right? Which is why it brought me here to write about all this stuff. Maybe it doesnt make sense to you and it means nothing to you when you read it. But its been kinda hard on me and I pray to God everyday to give me the strength to go through life and be independent and so far, i'm doing okay. So I guess for now I have nothing to worry about.
Well, thats about it. Thanks for reading if you did read everything. Whatever your situation is, always remember to pray and that God is there. Never ever forget God. Because when all else fail, and when no one else is there to be with you, God is there. He is always, always there. And girls, remember, you can live by your own. You're strong and independent. I know thoughts like mine may cross your mind sometimes but its up to you to decide what you want in life. Okay? :)